A look at classmates’ lives (and our world) in the distant future

March 6, 2023 |   Class of 2021

It’s been quite a year for BRAYDEN CARTER LOGAN, and it’s only March! On Jan. 14, he married Madison Mackenzie Addison ’22 — “who I guess you should call Madison Mackenzie Addison-Logan,” Brayden ­retina-twexts — in the gorgeous natural surroundings of EnergySolutions Presents: Yosemite Park. In attendance were AIDEN HUNTER, MORGAN MADISON, Hayden Garrett ’20, KADEN MORGAN, Braden Dalton Mason ’22, CAMERON PARKER, GARRETT CADEN, ADDISON SHELBY, Makenzie Jaden Colton ’22, Ayden Cameron ’22, Aidan Logan Garrett-Cooper ’20, AVERY MCKENZIE, Jayden Parker ’19, SHELBY AVERY, ­PARKER CARTER, PRESTON MASON, MASON DALTON, HUNTER COOPER, PARMEET RAJAGOPALAN, and Colton Carson Mackenzie-Hayden ’22.

Brayden also was accepted to Beijing Normal University’s (Rochester campus) master’s program in bioeconomics. Good luck, Brayden! With the price of farm-raised skin these days, we need all the help we can get!

April 26, 2034 |   Class of 2014

ETHAN HARRINGTON cruises high over the beaches of Reno in his A-9 Rec-Pack, illustrating just how ’14ers are taking off! Ethan notes that since single-handedly founding Blorbee, the world’s premier ­cortex-to-cortex networking company, he has become America’s most charitable CEO. On a given day, you might find Ethan opening a free Blorbee implant clinic in Newark or deep beneath Malaysia delivering wholesome Blorbee Nutrition Putty to server farmers. Of course, Ethan’s top travel destination is at home with his traditional yet diverse family. And Ethan is proud to announce the newest members of his corporate family — including the U.S. Department of State (now Blorbee Transnational Marketing). But Ethan’s personal favorite new holding is PAW! That’s right, this issue was compiled, edited, and targeted to your Blorbee Homefield by Ethan himself! Great job, Eth!

Classmates, our 20th reunion is just four weeks away! Get ready to strut your stuff to this year’s theme: Blorbee.

Sept. 15, 2077 |   Class of 1979

So many of us ’79ers were born in 1957 that it seems everyone you know is turning the Big 1-2-0. Class Notes heard about two recent parties: On July 21, CASSIE RUBEN celebrated hers at a black-tie “120 is the New 100” bash. Guests were mindlinked into a digital re-creation of the 1981 Los Angeles Chateau Marmont, and danced the night away with celebrity guests, including, naturally, President Reagan, to a private concert by The Go-Go’s. For old times’ sake, classmates and party-attendees SARA VAZQUEZ and JONATHAN TIMMS instructed the technicians in Cassie’s Mindlink Center to drape an evening gown over the tank containing her suspended body.  

HEATHER RILEY’s 120th was a smaller affair. Dr. Riley has been living among the Scorchedlanders for ­nearly a decade, doing pioneering research into
their society and customs. She celebrated with a ­traditional Scorchedland meal of salted glass, and was delighted by the gift from her Princeton son, Jason ’11 — a brand-new spine.

Please send news!

Feb. 5, 2110 |   Class of 2102

I sure hope you’re reading this on the floating Oceanscape colony of THADDEUS DREAD, where dry paper is a commodity more valuable than amber or sea-goat! Since succeeding Zaddock Bloodeye to take control of the colony, Thaddeus has worked closely with fellow ’02ers MAX BLIGHT and GAD MASSACRE as well as Skullpulper *98 and Frederick Rumsfeld ’00. A management team with that kind of Princeton pedigree is bound to do astounding things!

Looking for classmates? Carve your contact info onto a gas canister and let the currents sweep it to the Pacific Plastic Continent. Who knows which old friend may come across it while sifting the beach for food?

Fluguary 8, 624th Post-Flug Moon |   Class of 2991 BF

ANNUAL GIVING: Praise Flug, Divine Parent of Mankind! Class Agent for AG BECKY WEBSTER reports a stellar showing, thanks to the grace of our Eternal Prophet Flug. We raised 4,077 silver ingots from 96% of our classmates, as well as an anonymous gift of a white sturgeon with the face of a man, for a felicitous opening of Princeton’s new Flug Studies Complex. That represents 98.9% of our goal, and puts us second among classes cursed to be born before Flug’s Unending Light was revealed upon the Earth!  

We can only attribute the generous giving to Flug’s Boundless Mercy, as well as to RALPH MARINO for making the donor spreadsheets. It’s an auspicious kickoff to our upcoming 55th, which, don’t forget, is also Princeton’s 1300th by the Heretical Calendar. Blessed are Flug and his celestial son, Flug II ’36!

Jupiter images

Aug. 14, 3504 |   Class of 3495

RI JEFFERSON and GRIF LAM provided this picture of, as they describe her, “the latest addition to the Prince­ton family,” also known as their new daughter, Bo. Ri writes: “As soon as Bo was cleared to leave the Dispensing Clinic, we put her in a pod straight to Princeton’s Neonate Processing Office, where she got the first slot in Dr. Michko’s Blinking Seminar. Her Class of ’26 sternum chip is adorable!” Bo already has older brother Tym Lam ’22 (also pictured) to look out for her, and a lot to live up to. Tym ranked in the 99th percentile of in-utero brain volume on his Princeton application. And it didn’t hurt that he scored a Whitman on the Frist Scale of genetic predisposition to alumni giving!

Please write and let us know of other class children on campus!

Jay Katsir ’04 is a writer for The Colbert Report.